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Stolen bike

My Bike Was Stolen And How I Survived It

Morrissey. Because he's emo enough to understand the stuff dudes go through when their bikes get stolen.

So my bike was stolen last Saturday. Partly my fault. I was in a hurry to get to DC, and put the U lock around my wheel instead of the frame when I parked near the convention center light rail stop. Why was I in a hurry?  So I could catch a presentation by economist Ed Glaeser, of course.  Probably the least expected reason for running to catch a train, but it’s totally true and probably makes me kind of a nerd. Damn, that dude can speak in concise, interesting 5 minute long paragraphs without an “ah”, “um”, or “er”, but more on his speech in a future post.

When I got back from DC, I found the lock still on the wheel, but the bike was gone gone gone.  I walked home that night. It was a dark, lonely, itchy walk. Itchy because of the new Hot Topic polyester shirt I was wearing. Thoughts racing through my head in the warm spring night; Where did it all go wrong? Will I ever trust again?  Is it time to buy a Hummer? Why did the Rolling Stones suck so bad after “Some Girls”? I went through all 5 stages of grief during that walk. Bewilderment, hunger, excitement, rage, and finally dizziness.

I immediately sent out a twitter alert. This may be akin to standing on your front porch and yelling, “Did anyone see a burglar?” right after your house got broken into, but I had to try. My desperate plea reverberated through the Internet and garnered a few pats on the back and “there there”s. My favorite response was from Bill Helman (@thinkpol):

“First, Tom Petty’s guitars are stolen, now Car Free Baltimore’s bike? Wish more people adhered to Wil Wheaton’s Law”

I was just honored to be in the same sentence as Tom Petty.

Because being bike and car free would be too much masochism for me to handle, I went to Race Pace on Key Highway the next day and said, “Give me the cheapest, crappiest bike you have”, because I have priorities and spend my money on rare, 19th century Dutch cookie jars rather than bikes. After doing a few test drives, I wound up with some sort of mountain bike. It has two wheels, gears, and will hold me over until my will power caves completely and you see a post entitled: “I just bought a BMW 328i. Car Free Baltimore is officially done. See ya.”

So what’s the lesson of my story? That’s kinda obvious. You really shouldn’t listen to anything the Rolling Stones put out after the late 70s. Also, if you have to shop for clothes at Hot Topic, keep away from the Polyester. That stuff will really make you itch.


Thanks to Baltimore Velo, B’more Bikes, and all the other people on Twitter who got the word out about my bike.  It looks like this.